Marrying down

by Ngozi AbiolaJune 17, 2023June 17, 202319

Love knows no boundaries, and when it comes to marriage, societal norms are often challenged. Marrying down, a term that implies marrying someone of lower socioeconomic status, has long been a topic of discussion and curiosity.

In this blog post, women in our community share their experiences.

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Comments (19)

Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

I wanted peace of mind at all cost!!! Seeing my parents marriage made me scared of getting married. When I met him, I went for him knowing I would get peace of mind. When I took him home they complained that he was an HND holder while I had BSc. They also complained about his looks…one of my younger sisters told me point blank that he’s not fine, what did I see in him as a spec that I am 🤣. Anyways, its been 2 years of bliss. I can’t thank God enough for him 🙏 We are blessed with a daughter and are doing great!
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

He was the only one who loved my daughter genuinely as I was a single mom. He didn’t have much then but was industrious and loved me unconditionally. Most times I feel I deserved better cos of his financial status and strong family background were u have to pray out urself.
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

You call it marry down but I will say that’s the best decision I made 3 years ago.

I am a B,sc holder and he is an HND holder, I love them tall, cute and lanky but he wasn’t anywhere close. He has a red eye and an obvious teeth all this was a turn off but his attitude,morals and ideology says otherwise. So I thought to myself that I won’t let him go because of looks.

Thank God I did not mismarry(if there is any English like that) he remains my best decision. He found out about my health status when I was pregnant of our daughter (when I say STATUS… exactly what is on your mind) after we left the hospital till this very minutes I am typing he hasn’t asked me how I came about that shit but he doesn’t forget to give me my drugs every night, he wakes me up even when I am sleeping to make sure I take it. I always thank God that I didn’t marry up. God bless him. You can say a prayer for him cuz man like him is scarce….3 years of him accepting me and my health.
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

This is sad because my cousin married down. She married someone who didn’t even finish primary school. He holds no qualification of any sort, and that has impacted him finding a good let alone stable job. She earns ×3 his salary. They’re miserable. She refuses to take care of him even when he’s sick. She goes out and stays late. She has denied him sex, he has to beg for it(I heard this part from my aunt), there was an elders meeting, they spoke to them but she doesn’t care . He wants to leave her and get someone of his league because she is waaaaaaay out of his league. She married him because he was the only one available and she wanted a “Mrs” title. The way things are going, she’ll soon carry a “divorce” title in her bag. They’ve been miserably married for 1yr 3 months
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

I remarried down and I am regretting it

He has no single educational background

He has a paying job

But He still didn’t regard Me cuz He fornicates around with married women😭

I beat myself up everyday but the deed has been done

Seriously working on getting enough money to move out and get an apartment of my own😭

It hurts but All is Well
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

I married down because I was young and naive, I met my ex straight out of secondary school, he is an egbon adugbo then 😂😂😂 I didn’t know I was taken a step that will give my life a lifetime dent, we have 2 kids together, we were together for 3years,

we separated in 2013 making me a single mother, I went back to university and everytime I look back I am always disappointed in myself, this man did not even know the value of education.
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

Not my story, but my aunty’s story.. she came from a very rich family, her and her siblings all went to school abroad and would come back home for holidays. She is a quiet person, an introvert if you will, it was really hard for her to make friends everytime she came home. Her siblings had so many friends, but not her. So when her husband came along, she truly thought it was real love because she felt seen, he was a bus conductor (I’m my country Zambia we call the guys that help the bus driver get customers as conductors). Her parents where very disappointed, but she seemed to love him, they had their kitchen party (basically what you guys call the traditional wedding) and it was terrible, during the event the groom and his entourage (family and friends) come and bring gifts for the bride, he had all these hooligan looking friends and the guests (people of high class ) were so scared and uncomfortable.They did get married, and had children,but she regretted it,she tells us all the time.

She says she started to think like him, any time she would try to help him out he would make her feel guilty and would say things like “he’s the head of the home” or just guilt trip her. She started getting used to her new life style and it destroyed her. She couldn’t evolve because her husband was comfortable, he used to say she’s to ambitious and she should be under him as his wife… Her siblings went on to do great things, but she stayed on the husband’s level and she hates that for her self. They did get a divorce eventually after 23yrs of marriage, she’s now trying to pick up her life, he abused her mentally, he was a manipulator. She has 4 kids, who can’t even have a relationship with their first cousins because it is so awkward.
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

I had Bsc while he was an ND holder when we got married but now and HND holder. I was earning 400k while he earned 50k when we married. Now he earns close to what I now earn. It’s been 3 amazing and wonderful years of marriage. We have a one year old son and he’s has been the most supportive, loving and caring husband ever. I am glad I didn’t let him go❤️. I almost hooked him up with a friend but thank God I didn’t 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

I have a professional degree, married to an OND holder. 3yrs married. 11yrs knowing each other.

I always worked and earned while he was finding himself. He used to drive Uber at some point. Now, though I earn twice his salary, every 2-3 months he earns 3x my salary from his side gigs in building and construction consultancy. So it kind of balances things out.
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

You know how they say you shouldn’t make the same mistake twice…..unfortunately I did. Married my first husband 2013, I had a Bsc and PGDE. He was an HND holder and sincerely I married him because I was getting tired and frustrated of living with my dad and step mom.

He married me with debts, which we paid for almost 2 years, I pushed him to further his education, we finally separated 3years 5months later due to responsibility issues (story for another day. Fast forward to 2 years later I met my now husband. He NEVER was my type. (NCE holder, short and older) But I felt he was responsible and since I was going in a the second wife I’ll have freedom and me time (we are Muslims). he is primitive complains about every single thing and wants everything to go his way. My nickname is madam “ I too know” . How did I handle him? I focused on my business and my son, What he gets paid in 17months is what I make as profit in a month (I kid you not) 4 years now and I’m living my best life
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

I still can’t explain why I did it. I guess I assumed that he would understand the sacrifice I am making by being with him and work hard for the success of the marriage.

Well. It lasted for 3 years. 3 horrible years of bringing myself down to meet him at all levels, lying to cover up his shortcomings for him, settling for nonsense in the name of obeying my husband.

I won’t advise any woman to do so. Especially if the man has no motivation for upward mobility.
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

All I know is that I married down and I’m regretting it, he’s beneath me socially, spiritually, financially and in almost everything. He was my secondary school mate but 3 years older. I met him when I had just ended things with my abroad-based guy in 2016. He was all shades of a gentleman, still is. I didn’t really like him then cos I could see the poverty written all over him, but my mum, my sister and her pastor all said he is good. He is the first child out of 8 children, from a polygamous family. His father doesn’t really care if he succeeds or not. Now my issue with him is that he is too complacent with his life, he feels one day things will work out. We are both teachers but I’m the only one with a teaching qualification he’s only teaching because he can’t get a good job ever since he graduated from Uni. His outlook about success is so low, he doesn’t care if he lives in the village. I’ve done all I could to ginger him all to no avail.

Now I feel like it’s beginning to affect me. Had my second child this year, I’m trying to get a job and it’s not forthcoming, and I’ve been the one carrying 80% of the home. If not for my family I don’t know what would have happened to us. I just want to pick my self up and leave this sham of a marriage! It’s been 5 years and half.
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

(1/2) Love ni o. 5 years together We immediately got along like a house on fire. He initially lied about his legal status in the UK & that he was pursuing his masters. Later (within a month of knowing each other) came out that it was all a lie. Found out that his parents never married & he has step dad (basically lots of childhood trauma). But I found his story endearing and I felt ah, immigration status doesn’t mean someone is evil & we can’t choose the circumstances we’re born into. Continued the relationship, got married, legalized his stay. Married down bc I make a lottttttt more money than him, his family dynamic isn’t the most desirable (his momsi is something else) & on top of it, I’m realizing he has an inferiority complex. To top it off, found out he cheated. On top everything I’ve tried to do to make him feel valued & support his upward mobility. The thing is paining me sha bc I’m trying to decide which way I want my life to go. Feel like I made an awful mistake

(2/2) about him & he seems repentant. But I’m feel resentment bc I’m my head, I’m like, who sent me. First time I decided to date down, (bc most of my exes were on par in terms of education & salary), and this is how he repays me. The thing makes me so angry. I’m just praying to God for confirmation that this is where I need to be, or is this is the exit pass that God is giving me. 5 years isn’t a lifetime…and no kids…almost feel like God was protecting me by not allowing us to have children yet. It is well
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

Let me write my mums own.

My mom married a man from a lower social class than she… omo… both her, me, and my siblings are regretting it 4 her. This man is not emotionally available for my mom at all. This man likes living like as if he’s a bachelor. He prefers staying late at night to chat with his friends, drink beer, and eat pepper rice or pepper soup than to come to us. None of my siblings have any close relationship with him… na just me, based on first pikin things, I had to force myself to get close to him because the pressure we the kids were putting on our mom then was too much. Sometimes I’m the channel to talk or ask him for something in that house o…if my mom talks, this man won’t listen. She’ll give him advice. My dad will say she’s acting like “I too know” as if she knows it all. That he’s older than her, dis and dat. Sometimes the way he will shout and talk to her ehn… my mom won’t even raise her voice at him back he will say she’s disrespecting him…

…he’ll go outside and be talking anyhow about my mom. He doesn’t praise her in her presence or appreciate her for anything she does. When she’s not home and he wants to form disciplinarian or good father, he’ll call my siblings and I and start saying “we are lazy, can’t we see our mom” he’ll start praising her but he will never say it to outsiders or even in her presence. This man doesn’t like hanging out or traveling with us. If he drives us to shop or bu something, his face will be squeezed throughout, and he won’t stop nagging in our ears until the next day. Ah ahhhh…

When my siblings and I asked our mom if she even loved him or knew him b4 they got married, omo… her answer wasn’t straightforward at all😒

He has this “peverty” mentality. My dad would rather save money or save land than invest it. And u know that with time, saving money or not buying a particular item on time will reduce the value of the cash, and the land, u might not even find a potential buyer anymore when

…one really needs to sell it. If not for him, we would have lived comfortably when we were little, and we would have been living better even right now.

As my mom will say, “Penny wise, pound foolish.”

It’s not just her that regrets the marriage. We, the kids, regret it too, cause she deserves better. Her experiences now in this marriage have turned her to smth else. It probably still is💔
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

Where do I even start from? My sister married down and it almost cost her her life. I’ll try to summarise everything.

She met this unfortunate man immediately after waec. She wanted to go to uni so bad but my mum was struggling and our deadbeat father had kicked her out of the house. My mum got a job for her as a secretary in a local government that’s how she met the guy.

He promised to send her to school and before you know it my sister got pregnant. That same period she got admission so my mum had to take the baby from her so she can focus on school.

2 years later she got pregnant again. My mum was furious but she took that child too because my sis was determined to finish school.

They would have serious fights that my mum would need to visit to settle it.

Long story short, she had 3 children in 4 years of school. Later we realised its because he didn’t want her to be attractive to others.

He had extreme insecurity (he didn’t finish secondary school) and my sister is the Smartest person I know. During her service year, she went to CDS and a fellow coper dropped her and 3 other friends off in their area because it was raining. The husband saw them getting off the car. He went home while she went to the market. I forgot to add by now the kids were living with them in a 1 bedroom.

When she got back home, he poured acid on her and knocked an hammer on her head. She fainted, he put her in the car he uses for taxi and wanted to go and dump her body somewhere (he thought she had died). On the way, she woke up and started screaming in pain. It got the attention of passerby and he said he was taking her to the hospital (they were miles away from where they lived). My sister spent months in the hospital and her deadbeat husband ran away. She still has scars on her face, neck and body from the acid burns.

Months later he was back. Begging and crying with his family. Promising heaven and earth. My mum actually forgave him (this is the mind blowing part of this

Story. My sister ran away for a few months. She didn’t want to go back but many family interference and she came back. They actually did a court wedding!

The abuse did not stop. Anytime they have a fight he will take the children away to his village and she wouldn’t see them for months. In the middle of this my sister got a job and was fending for the whole family including the husband. Within months of being at the job she got pregnant again. She swears she doesn’t know how it happened. She’s on the pill. The whole abuse counties for years until one day she told him to leave. She was tired and she said if she remained in the marriage she would kill herself. He left. Only to come back some months later and took the 3 big kids away while my sister went to church. She was left with the last one. She went to his home town to beg for the kids. He beat her black and blue and pushed her inside gutter.

So she went back. She sends money to the older kids every month but for her own sanity,

She moved away from where they were leaving. My sister told me a couple of weeks ago that he’s trying to come back again. He can’t take care of the kids alone and two of them are currently not going to school. So his family are back and begging her to take him back. They’ve been separated for a couple of years now. They called a meeting she told me she didn’t show up. She said she’d rather die than go back to him. Sorry my story is long. I tried to summarise as much as I can. May I also add that my sister was one of the prettiest and smartest people I knew growing up. She’s a shadow of her former self now.
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

I guess I was naive. I mean, we do have happy moments, we laugh and we talk, he is peaceful. I just know that, there might just be something always missing.

It always feels like I’m pulling him up. He doesn’t have a job, married him because of love but I’m realizing that, love is not enough. He said he is looking for, but there’s always one issue.

I always wanted to have kids at least 1 year into marriage but it’s been so long now, those dreams seem to be all forgotten. I don’t know when I’m going to have kids because this isn’t the home I prayed for.

Sex is now a chore for me, it’s no longer passionate like it used to be.

I love him and it was fun while we dated but I was just too naive. I should have definitely calmed down small.

Maybe he is my soul mate but the timing wasn’t just right. But I guess, he will grow up, change is coming small small.

I cry sometimes. I pray, that I do not fall into temptation with another man.
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

I got married to a man that’s not as educated as I am, I’m a Dr. (Ph.D.), and he had his high school and several certifications abroad (we live in the US). Before marriage, he enrolled in a school, and he’s been doing great. Three years later, I can say the only thing my husband lacks is that certificate o. He’s super caring, he knows everything, he is a fantastic father, he protects me, and he is a good listener. My husband will go to any length to make us happy, and he cooks well, so I told him to start a business. He didn’t think twice, and now we are on it. He’s a “let me check with my wife kinda man,” and no, he’s not insecure. He doesn’t care about my money. I rant to him about work, and even when he doesn’t understand, he says babe take it easy, and know that I’ll support whatever decision you make. I could go on and on about how perfect my husband is.

My family was skeptical because we love education, money, and power, but he’s everybody’s favorite
Anonymous
ReplyJune 17, 2023

I sent in earlier that my sister married down. In retrospect, so did my dad. He came from a family of Well To Dos, professional courses up and down. He was a consultant surgeon who met my mum a nurse in the hospital. Her dream was to marry a doc cos she came from abject poverty. My dad elder sis never liked her cos my dad was the last born but she fell pregnant and they had to marry. Eventually, my dad’s family started liking her cos she was subservient to them ALL the time. Being an adult now, it all makes sense cos my dad would prefer to read his books, play scrabble or his precious keyboard while my mum will be going around gossiping with neighbors. She has embarrassed us time without nos cos of her antics to the extent someone cursed us. She is a manipulator and a liar especially when it comes to us. Everyone knew our business and as a result my siblings and I don’t confide in her. She made my dad unhappy but what could he do?

Thankfully, we inherited his intelligence, mannerisms and he taught us alot. We love classical music cos of him. And we bond more to his side of the family than hers cos they were mostly poor, uneducated and as annoying as her. My dad passed and it was and still is painful cos we were closer to him and after his death, some things played out that we realised just how unhappy he was cos of her and her actions but my siblings and I decided to leave everything to God if not…it is well. Now we just call when we have to cos she played favorites(only favorite calls regularly). She keeps complaining but how do you communicate with someone so negative and a busybody. Anyways, it’s our cross to carry. Cos of her and my sister, I choose not to marry down and will stick to it no matter what. I don’t care if his ‘future is bright’. He must be living his future before we marry…simple.

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